youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
