I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
