I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
