I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
