Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
