nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
