this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
