I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
