you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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