You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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