I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
