So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
