I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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