Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Randomize
