Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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