my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
