my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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