I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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