we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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