Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
