This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
