i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
