Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
