I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
