The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
