Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
