Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
