Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
