Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
