I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
stop calling my apartment porn island.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
