I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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