Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
