i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
