i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
