Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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