We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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