U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
