I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
