DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
