Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
