you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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