There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
