Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
