Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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