I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
