i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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