Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
