omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
