Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
