During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Randomize
