I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
