i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
