There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
