Will you blow on my dice?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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