I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
