i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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